The SEC West collectively crossed a kind of salary Rubicon Thursday, when Dan Mullen signed an extension that raised his annual pay to a minimum of $4.275 million -- meaning every coach in the division will be paid $4 million or more for the 2015 season.
That's going to make life interesting for whichever coach happens to finish last this fall, but for now, we know the more burning question is this one: How much can "$4 million or more" buy these coaches? Specifically, how much does it get these coaches in overpriced luxury goods at a faded former retail giant of the 1980s?
Wonder no longer! Here's our gauge of exactly how far each SEC West coach's 2015 salary will go, as measured by items currently for sale at The Sharper Image. No, it's not exactly the same Sharper Image you remember your dad buying that fake cell phone antenna from in 1987, but visit their website today and you don't even have to go past the home page to find what appears to be a heated Snuggie, so things haven't changed that much.
As ranked by approximate salary, here's how much buying power each SEC West coach will enjoy in 2015 (all images via The Sharper Image):
1. Nick Saban, Alabama: 1,460 Putt! Championship games
Maybe Saban hasn't been able to buy his a team a national championship for two whole seasons, but at $7.3 million annually, this year the committed golfer can buy himself and 1,459 of his closest friends his or her own copy of the virtual-putting "arcade sensation." That's a lot of green(s)!
2. Kevin Sumlin, Texas A&M: 100,020 Football Helmet Copters
Currently available only with NFL teams, but if Sumlin decides to spend his entire $5 million salary on giving away a Football Helmet Copter to every fan who attends a game at newly expanded Kyle Field, they'll likely find a way to slap an Aggies helmet on there. ("Best of all," per TSI, Football Helmet Copter also comes with an LED projector capable of shining your team's logo on the wall ... in case you're wondering about the Bat-Steeler-Signal in the picture above).
3. Les Miles, LSU: 56,257 Guitar for iPads
We know Les is a music man, so dropping $4.5 million on enough iPad-guitars for every LSU student to engage in one giant pregame freakout seems ... well, more plausible than the other suggestions on this list, especially considering you can enjoy the iPad-guiter "whether you’re serious about guitar or just looking for a fun jam with the built-in speaker."
4. Gus Malzahn, Auburn: 127,893 Lightsaber Room Lights
That $4.475 million can buy a lot of nerd stuff for great big nerds.
(Hey, Gus: I could use one of these.)
5. Hugh Freeze, Ole Miss: 26,786 Skatecycles
If you think Hugh Freeze already has an easy time relating to recruits, just wait 'til he and his whole staff and some 26,000 other pals arrive at some four-star's house riding $4.3 million worth of "the skateboard of the future!"
6. Dan Mullen, Mississippi State: 53,444 Radio Toasters
"The space-age Radio Toaster may seem like something from a Jetsons cartoon," TSI writes, "but old George never had a gadget this cool!" Dunno about that -- a robot maid seems a little more useful than a toaster that plays songs -- but when the coach at Mississippi State is earning $4.275 million a season and it makes perfect logical sense that he does, it's fair to say we're already living in a future not all that much crazier than the Jetsons'.
7. Bret Bielema, Arkansas: 531 Inflatable Water Parks
Actually, Bret seems like the sort of fun-lovin' guy who might already own a $7,999.99 floating water slide, but when you're earning $4.25 million, what's another 530 of them? Plus, good news: shipping is free!
And there you have it: a clear, vivid visualization of how much each SEC West coach will earn this year. And if you're still struggling to grasp exactly how much these salaries amount to, well, maybe relaxing a bit with a nice glass of pinot brought along in your $300 wine enthusiast suitcase will help.
